Today, I was having a melancholy morning – lying in bed, staring at the overcast sky, replaying in my mind random events of my life and the world, questioning my existence and the human condition. I thought, “Wow, life is kind of fucked up but I’m really comfortable right this minute. I could just stay in bed all day.”

But then, I began craving another comfort. Coffee!

So I pulled myself out of bed, and as I was making coffee and trying to talk myself out of my nagging feeling of doom and a possible quarter life crisis, I remembered a conversation I had with a friend about a week ago, about pursuing your passion. Is it worth risking the comfort you have now?

Hm. Sometimes, that’s not even a question.

What is “comfort” anyway? It’s actually pretty fragile and can disappear at any time. Gone with the wind… Or an earthquake…

I guess what I’m saying is: if you can look at “comfort” as being a temporary state that can come and go, considering that ultimately NOTHING lasts forever, you don’t have much to lose.

Still, those moments of comfort are nice while they last.

But if nothing lasts forever, you only have yourself to depend on – as long as you’re alive. You’re all alone. Completely. It’s you vs the world. Does that make you sad? Hey, the word “melancholy” up there should have been a warning.

It just means that the only comfort you can truly have is your own skin.

So if you know you’re a bird, then why not try to fly? Maybe lose that comfortable shell that kept you warm and safe, or you might crash.

See. Experience. Do. Be.

Or, you know.. just sit in the shell and don’t do anything. Just rot. Possibly become “comfortably numb”.

But I can only speak for myself. And maybe for other birds. You might be a rabbit, or a fish, or a bee, or a monkey. Or a dinosaur! Hell, I don’t know. Only you do. Geez, this place is a zoo.

Here’s MY goal: to take comfort in being uncomfortable.

Because! I learn and accomplish so much more when I get out of my comfort zone and try things. Because! I’ll never know if I don’t try.

Hey, the sun is out. And that nagging feeling of doom? Yeah, it’s still there. Damn it!

Yeah, that’s a Korn reference. Totally random coincidence. And corny. I don’t like Korn or corny. Corn is alright, though…

Okay!

The morning of February 29, 2004, my hair reached below my ass. In the afternoon of that day, when I had 10 inches of it cut, it was like cutting a leash. Almost literally because my head instantly felt lighter!

The older I get, the shorter my hair gets. Not on it’s own, it gets cut when it grows out, of course. I make that decision. But every time I get it cut, I have a nagging feeling of “What if it turns out bad? What if I hate it?” and as I sit there with the hairdresser doing her thing and trying to get me to converse with her small talk, little does she know that I’m quietly freaking out on the inside.

But when she’s done, I almost always like the outcome. So it’s 2010 and this is how long my hair is right now.

This entry is not about hair, though. It’s about cutting leashes. And gambling.

Every year I make the same resolution. To support myself on my art. And last year I actually did it for 5 months (that’s almost half a year!). After cutting my leash from a soul-sucking job, moving to a city where I didn’t know anyone, and being completely on my own for the first time, I traveled around Central Illinois doing art fairs, meeting lots of people and making friends, and making a living.

Everything was so uncertain and so hard. Doing art fairs are so much work, (especially by yourself) financially, physically, and emotionally. The living was so unstable and unpredictable. It was like gambling.

I’d get some money together, put it towards a booth space at an art fair I was accepted to, and hope (a.k.a quietly freak out) I make enough to pay the rent that month.

And when that happened, it was like hitting the jackpot. An instant high. All that hard work of painting, creating, printing, packaging, driving long hours, baring heat, fog, rain, wind, all kinds of ridiculous weather, setting up, spending all day in one spot with that same ridiculous weather, tearing down, dragging heavy equipment up and down 2 flights of stairs (oh, that’s only half of it all) – it paid off and I could try again at the next fair (while quietly freaking out on the inside, again).

Those things I listed sound so negative but I really don’t mind doing all of that because it feels worth it. I don’t really even think about the work, I just do it. There’s so much more to doing art fairs. It’s fun work.

Then the art fair season was over and me being new at this ’supporting myself on my art,’ I had to do something to get through the winter so I got a job again. Maybe if I get a better and earlier start on art this year, history won’t repeat itself.

I’d rather be freaking out while gambling than freaking out while being on a leash.

It’s that time again. I need that high. All I have to do is cut my leash and play my cards right.

Besides, hair grows and leashes like this are not that hard to come by.

Woof.

1. World Knows » 2. Gossip » 3. All Inspiration, No Destination » 4. Moonwalkers

I think the dude in #1 oddly resembles my dad in his younger days. That was an accident.

I have some older art that’s been hanging around for too long. So today, I listed a few from the year 2005 on Etsy for sale.

That was an interesting “chapter” of my life. It’s when I started to consistently use watercolor and ink and was seriously trying to think of ways to become an artist for a living.

P.S. – Thank you TotusMel, for featuring “Weathered” on your blog. The theme is very fitting.

This little sketch was drawn with a red gel pen on Sunday, October 12, 2003. That’s what the file says, anyway. I have a folder on my external hard drive called “Ancient” and it has a few drawings like this.

That day, I was lying on the trampoline, looking at my mom’s little garden. It seemed so messy, a patch of flowers here, a patch of flowers there. But it was all contained within that one little bent wire fence, as if to say “This little area of the yard is a GARDEN.” And she could probably tell you where exactly the tulip bulbs were planted, even though those wouldn’t bloom until next Spring.

This pretty much sums up my organizing technique, since.

It wasn’t always that way. I love organizing. I had an agenda/planner thingy in high school and always used it. But after I reached the end of that sidewalk, due to some events beyond my control, from then on, all I really had to look forward to was lying on the trampoline, drawing random things.

Since then, things have greatly improved. But up until recently, even when I tried to keep things in order by keeping a planner, I couldn’t. Nothing was happening, really, so that thing was always blank. I ended up just remembering things. Which became a new habit.

Now, having all kind of things happen art-wise recently, that habit was slowly killing me. Which is why I now have a little planner that I’m actually using.

And this blog in general, I have no idea where I’ve been going with it, so I’ll just keep it at that. I’m an artist, tend to be a little random, and say ‘Fuck’ once in a while. Maybe I should just I write about what I think and do. For fun.

It’s amazing how much damage a few months of hardly any organization can do.

But, I’m catching up. Trying to get my life in order. Some things are taking longer than I’d like, probably because I don’t have full control of them.

And I’m still getting used to the fact that my life has direction and purpose, like a garden. Even if I haven’t quite figured it all out, things are happening within my little wire fence.

Every Bone glass pendant necklace in tin on Etsy

I decided that I won’t be making any more pendant necklace designs this year. Some might be sad about this, and I’m sorry. They were fun to make and I loved seeing people wear them.

But I’d like to spend more time focusing on painting and drawing, and improving my skills.

There’s only a few designs and pieces left. Because they’re discontinued, I’m discounting them, too. They’re only available in the Discontinued/Discounted section of my Etsy shop.

“Red Current” » 9″x12″ » watercolor/ink » original available – e-mail to buy

I created this painting during my last show in November. I had a lot on my mind, as usual. And it was hard to focus, as usual. So instead, I focused on my thought process as a whole, instead of individual thoughts running through my head.

This painting is the result. An illustration of my mind and thoughts.

It would be interesting to witness someone else’s thought process, first-hand. Unfortunately, that’s impossible. I can only be aware of my own thought process.

My thoughts and ideas are created by my emotions. I usually don’t tend to think thoughts or ideas in ‘words’ at first. Words become attached to the thoughts sooner or later. Often, only if I need to express my thoughts.

***

I have a love/hate relationship with words. I love and hate the fact that they can mean more than one thing. The titles of my pieces are full of puns and plays on words, which shows how much I love words. What I hate about the ambiguity of words is that they can be misused, abused, and misinterpreted.

I also love and hate the fact that each meaning of a word comes with a set of expectations. Like bait on a fish hook.

Which word can be misused, abused, or misinterpreted? Who decides the expectation? What’s the bait? What gets you hooked?

It depends on an individual’s thought process, which no one has access to but the individual itself.

If you’ve just read all of this, I wonder what you’re thinking.

***

Geez, what the hell was all that?

See, this is what happens when I try to describe the meaning or process behind my work. It goes deeper, and deeper, like a bottomless pit. And it spreads, and flows in many directions, like rivers into oceans.

I think I focus too hard. Currently.

I recorded this little video this morning of frozen Illinois River.

It used to flow, move, and now it’s just still. Like it’s dead. But only on the surface. Underneath the ice, no one can see that it still flows and moves.

Spring won’t come soon enough to thaw the ice so I can see the river move again…

***

I survived the holidays. I think. And now I’m just trying to catch up on where I left off. Organization. I’ll get right on that! …Maybe after I get to enjoy some peace. Wish me luck.

There’s been sooo much of everything. Work, family, freezing, driving (while freezing), food, alcohol, present giving, fun, not fun.. Who decided to cram all this within a 6-week period and then do it over and over again, every year?

Working holidays in the public/food services is a lot of painful fun, too. Because pain is fun, apparently.

The fun part is… I don’t remember now. It’s in there, somewhere.

Oh wait, I remember the fun part, now. It’s being aware of the cycles and knowing that I can break out of them any time. I just have to get my shit together and do it.

I could so easily break through the ice now. Let me guess what’s underneath… cold water? But I’m not sure if I really want to make waves in a frozen river. Call me crazy. Some people don’t mind Hypothermia and possibly death, on purpose, but I’m not one of them.

Maybe by Spring, the water will thaw so I can continue to float down this lovely river. And make some waves.

Oh noes! The store is closed

For now.

It makes me sad to have to close it, but I’m working on improving it and it’s best that I just take the whole thing down for a little while to be able to keep better track of what I’m doing, even though it’s just little old me who’s running this thing.

I’m making a few changes to the products I have.

Until now, I’ve only had prints and other items of my art reproduced. I’d like to make original art work available for purchase through the store, too.

My prints will look a little different next year. But better!

The Razorberries store will be back in February March and I’ll have an actual date once it comes a little bit closer to that month.

You can add your e-mail to the list and receive an update when it’s open again. Or, keep an eye on my facebook or blog.

Happy New Year!

Free art for the Holidays! Download and print your own high resolution “Barely Awake,” one of my new pieces in watercolor & ink. Frame it and keep for yourself or give as a gift. Available only for a limited time.

Image size is 5″x7″. Title and my name is written below the image. Looks best centered on 8.5×11 or 8×10 size paper.

Download it here!

For personal use and display only. Available for download until January 1, 2010.

Happy Holidays!

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Download expired! Sign up for news about my art or upcoming downloads in the future here: http://razorberries.com/email-list

“Snowman with a Strawberry Heart” » 8″x10″ » watercolor & ink » Prints available

Is it winter already?